The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhee
by Mr. Sparkles
Summary: Kyon is just a normal Sangheili, leading a normal life on Sanghelios.  His life, though, is turned upside down when his classmate, Suzumiya Haruh ee, drags him into the Special Operations Sangheili Brigade  SOS Brigade ...


**-The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruh'ee-**

I actually put all of 20 minutes into giving this one an illustration (delete the brackets):

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I hope you guys like it ;]

When I first got into the Sanghelios National Space Academy, I thought I was on my way to a boring life. I had just gotten out of middle school, like every other Sangheili. I wasn't a great student, so I couldn't get into the Prestigious North High Military Academy—but I was perfectly happy being in the Space Academy. I was done with all the war games, time travelers, gods and Demons that others talked about. I just wanted to work on a freighter, or pilot a patrol ship in the middle of nowhere. Life would be boring, meaningless, unchanging. That was the way I wanted it.

And now I am about to go searching for Human Demons…in the middle of Sanghelios.

With a bunch of oddballs.

At the middle of the night.

And all this because I just happened to meet Suzumiya Haruh'ee.

Right now, I am in the middle of WacDonald'ee's with a bunch of four oddballs. I'm paying, of course.

Next to me is Asahina Mikuru. She's really pretty (really big mandibles), but she always gets bullied into wearing weird clothes by Haruh'ee. I hope she never discovers my pictures of her on the Academy Computer. Apparently, she's a time traveler who has to watch Haruh'ee. I met her older version—she was preeeeetty Hot. Apparently, we're friends with the Human Infidels in her future. Everything else is classified. Compared to everyone else here, she's almost normal.

Next to Mikuru is Nagato Yuk'ee. She's supposedly studying to be a fleet commander, but I don't know how she plans on leading a fleet without saying a single word. She wears glasses, but I think she's cuter without them. She's always reading some kind of text, and she doesn't say anything usually if you don't talk to her (and she only talks half the time you DO talk to her). She's apparently an AI. Some kind of Data Integrated whatever that I don't really understand. She's saved me once from being disemboweled by the Class President, who disappeared not long after, so that's cool. I don't understand, but she's here for Haruh'ee too.

Then there's Koizumi. Koizumi Itsuk'ee. He's always smiling, and I can never tell what he's thinking—all he does is follow whatever the hell Haruh'ee says. He apparently has psychic powers, and he's also there to observe Haruh'ee. He always plays chess with me, but he tends to lose…I think he uses the Grunts too much.

And, of course, there's Haruh'ee.

Pretty, given, but only from a distance. Half the school has asked her out, but nobody's lasted more than a few days, and my classmate Taniguch'ee lasted about 5 minutes (given, he's an idiot…). She's the one who came up with the Special Operations Sangheili Brigade, the SOS Brigade, in short. Of course, she and Yuk'ee are the only ones who might even vaguely qualify for being Special Operations, and she apparently rejected them too. But her gooky idea of Special Operations is to find "all the mysteries of the world," namely gods who might not have went on the Great Journey, Human Demons (they don't even know where the hell we live), the ghosts of High Charity and Zombies. Basically, things that we can spend our whole time at the academy searching for without finding.  
>Honestly, I should have known on the first day of school.<p>

"I have no interest in Ordinary Sangheili. If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or Espers here, Join Me!"

Shoulda steered clear then.

Oh yes, and she happens to be god.

…yeah, that was probably a bad way to break it to you. But I heard it from a time traveler, an AI future fleet commander, and an Esper. This probably doesn't help my case at all, but it's the truth.

When other Sangheili are bored, they play holo-chess, they spar, or they go on vacations.

When she gets bored she destroys and recreates worlds.

Yuk'ee, Mikuru and Koizum'ee all expect me to keep her entertained.

Needless to say, that puts me under a little bit of pressure.

It's not even productive pressure. Thus far, the fate of our world has hinged on everything from ball games to me being almost murdered by the Previously-friendly Class President. I think I've gone through more danger in this year than half the Sangheili Navy.

But, at the same time, I can't help but like it.

It's all meaningless—but, for some reason, it gives my life meaning.

It's a good feeling—knowing that you're going somewhere, even if, at the end, the fact is that we're going nowhere.

I don't know how I live day to day like this, in this cycle, under the whims of Suzumiya Haruh'ee…

But I can't imagine living without it.

Once, I remember Haruh'ee and I got trapped in some alternate reality. Back then, Haruh'ee was ecstatic. There was a chance to explore a new world (even if, according to Yuk'ee and Itsuk'ee, she had made the whole damn thing in her mind). It was like a new chance. But I wanted to stay, even as she wanted me to come. So I kissed her. I still remember our mandibles entwining—

…Yeah, I'm about to vomit. This crackfic is over. I hope you guys were as disturbed as i was when this came up in my mind.

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><p><strong>Next on Parody Works:<strong>

**Parody Work #2**

**-Pokemon Master Madoka Magica-**


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